It Never Really Goes Away
by Katie1995
Summary: One-Shot! After realising what Esme could give Carlisle if she were still Human, she goes into denial. Can Carlisle convince her that her existence and actions mean far more to him than a child they will never have? Please R&R!


**A/N – (I do not own the Twilight Saga or the characters in any way; all rights go to Stephanie Meyer.)**

**It Never Really Goes Away**

**Esme's P.O.V.**

If it was the one thing I could remember from my mortal life, it was Charles' rough voice telling me how utterly worthless I was, day in, day out. Once Carlisle had found me and helped me, I believed the feeling of shame and doing wrong would go away, but it never did.

I remember the times before now where I would apologise for doing something as small as knocking over a glass of water, or dropping something unimportant. Carlisle would always say I was silly for apologising for such things, but that man's voice always had rung in my ears, over and over, preventing me from becoming the person I was before him.

But now, as our family lived through turmoil, I felt the worse I had felt in over eighty odd years. Even when it seemed such a terrible event, I couldn't help but feel how worthless I was.

Bella was suffering and I couldn't help.

Bella was pregnant, and it occurred to me; I was the problem in mine and Carlisle's relationship.

It had been proven against the odds that a woman could conceive with a cold blooded monster – a vampire, yet I was unable, because like the worthless person I was, I couldn't give anyone what they would want.

Carlisle had never breached the subject of infancy around me, afraid he'd hurt me, but it didn't; well, it didn't use to. But now, as I sat alone just watching the rain fall, I couldn't help but feel hollow.

"Esme," a soft voice came from behind me, Carlisle's scent washing over me. I didn't look at him, I couldn't.

"I'm sorry," I replied, a little unevenly.

I saw in the reflection of the mirror, Carlisle sat next to me, a soft blue jumper clinging to his muscular frame. "Sorry for what?" he questioned, looking at the rain like me.

I flicked my eyes towards my hands from the window and began twisting the ring on my left hand's fourth finger. Carlisle eyed my hands in interest and I sighed in frustration.

"I'm sorry I'm so worthless," I finally said, the fresh waved of shame rolling through me.

Carlisle sighed and looked away towards the door where there were hurried whispers emitting from outside. "You shouldn't feel that way, Esme."

"But I do," I retorted quickly, annoyed with myself. "Because I know I would be able to give you if I wasn't so _worthless_!" I sighed in frustration and dropped my head in my hands, a soft hand placed on my back offering little comfort.

I could hear the slow, unneeded breathing of my partner and I could tell he was upset with my words. "I understand," he finally whispered.

But he didn't. Carlisle couldn't understand the torment that tortured me at that moment, the pain I felt each time his eyes ignited with the joy he tried to hide from Edward as he looked at Bella's small but ever growing bump.

"I can't give you what I wish I could," I murmured, my eyes traced on the windowsill, distracted from Carlisle's face, "And it makes me feel so useless, worthless... broken," I finished in little more than an audible whisper.

Carlisle's arms snaked around my waist as he placed his head on my left shoulder. "You are not worthless," he reprimanded, softly, his voice rich in gentle determination.

I placed my hand on top of his interlinked fingers and closed my eyes. "Look at me," I said, "I shouldn't be jealous, I shouldn't feel... angry with myself, but I do." I felt fingers brush my cheek as Carlisle tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "I wish I could give you a child that you could love with your whole heart, but even when I was human, I still wasn't a very at that."

The confession lightens me slightly, the guilt I've been carrying around with me finally dispersing.

"Esme," Carlisle replied, although his voice cracks. "I'm content as I am," he reassured me.

"Doesn't it make you see the possibilities you could have potentially had? But no, you're stuck with a woman who couldn't do and still can't do _anything _right!" I placed a palm on the glass and sighed, my eyes stinging with unshed tears.

Seconds of silence passed before one of us spoke again. "I wouldn't have it any other way," he breathed into my ear, pulling away to kiss my temple. "Please, believe that."

"But I can't," I confessed, "Because what that man said to me in the past" – I paused and shuddered as his name passed in my thoughts – "Well, it's never really gone away; it never really does go away."

Carlisle pulled me tighter and I could feel the urgency of trying not to cry press stubbornly down on my chest. "He still bothers you after all these years?" Carlisle's question isn't patronising, but rather concerned, which makes me want to hate him because I have no reason to not want to answer.

"I can't help the way he's made me."

I felt Carlisle's hand lift from underneath mine as he pulled something from around his neck. It was a locket, a small silver one, hung around a fine silver chain. In his reflection, his lips twitched a little before returning to a grimace. "You see this, Esme," he said, his fingers working to open the locket. "You gave me this, remember?"

I smiled fondly, remembering the first tender years of our relationship. "I thought you wouldn't keep it," I admitted, albeit cautiously.

"I keep everything you give me," he quipped. "But Esme, do you remember the day you gave me this locket?" I nodded, and locked my eyes with his in our reflection off the glass window, although we were slightly contorted for the raindrops that had clung onto the clear surface, had disrupted the usually perfect reflection.

"It was the night I'd told you about," I stopped because I couldn't form the words anymore.

"The night you told me about your cruel and so very undeserving Husband, the night you told me of the child you lost which you had loved so dearly," Carlisle continued for me, "And did I turn you away? Was I, Esme, in any way disgusted with you for what you had lived through, with what _others _had conflicted onto you?"

I shook my head because it was true. "And tell me, Esme; am I anymore ashamed of you now?"

"No," I answered, because it was true, he didn't care that I had a past, he only cared about healing the scars and the future we would enjoy together.

"Because Esme, you are the most beautiful person I've had the chance to meet; you're selfless, compassionate, loving and utterly devoting to every single member in this family, and I believe truly, that your qualities make up for the physical aspects of your body you have lost. I know that when the time comes and Bella delivers her child, you will protect it from every horror of this world, and now, as Bella sits uncertain, you will be her rock. I have believe in you Esme, I always have."

The words fell from his mouth in a rush and I closed my eyes, listening to his voice, the English accent lingering on the end of every word.

"Let's do this together," I whispered, taking his hand, because I didn't know how sure I was about Bella.

"Together," he agreed.

And Carlisle and I had always been a team – through the tough and the easy, we had been together, it was times like this, when one of us felt uncertain, did the other truly show us who we really were.

**A/N – I love this couple so much it's unbelievable! I just love their undying love and how they seem to understand each other without any words needed between them. Anyways, before I start rambling on about how cute this couple is, I would just like to say that reviews are greatly appreciated!**

**So, if you enjoyed this, Please Review!**

**Thanks, Katie1995. :)**


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